Regarding "Mother Shaming"

To Whom it Does Not Concern,

There is a widespread view in our society that breastfeeding in public is something that should not be done. There are varying degrees to which people buy into this garbage, but the reality remains that there will always be someone who feels uncomfortable in the same room as a breastfeeding mother. To this I say, “My heart bleeds for you. Let me get you a tissue.”

Today I was in a place of business, sitting directly across the desk from a woman who was helping me. My 8 month old daughter was fussy, and becoming increasingly so by the second. I knew she was tired and hungry, and I did all in my power to soothe her. I made faces and funny noises. I dangled toys in her face. I clapped. I rocked her carseat on the floor. Finally, I knew it was time to bite the bullet and take her out of her carseat. She needed to eat.

Allow me a moment to describe how hot it is. Remember those mentions in The Bible of hellfire and brimstone? Conditions around here more or less align with those descriptions.

More often than not, it is too hot to feed my baby with a cover, so I rarely do so. In the event that I do not use a cover, you better believe that I’m still as decent as a girl in church. Should any skin show, the sliver of visible flesh is hardly worth mentioning. I show more bosom skin just holding my baby when she is climbing me and using the top of my shirt as a handhold.

In any case, an office with another woman, also a mother, seemed like a safe place for me to quickly, and modestly, feed my baby while she did what she needed to do.

She looked up from her computer. “You don’t pump before you go out?”

I looked up from my baby’s beautiful face. “I’m sorry, what?”

“You don’t pump before you go out so you can feed her?”

“Oh, no. I’m a terrible pumper, and it just isn’t worth it.”

End of discussion.

Unfortunately, it isn’t the end of the story.

In the moment she asked what she may have thought was a well-meaning and curious question, she slammed her opinion square against my confidence. She made her opinion matter to me, when before, I didn’t care. I was simply feeding my baby. I began blushing. I fumbled my answer and gave her an EXCUSE, as though I agreed with her, that pumping would be preferable to me. It's none of her business whether or not I give my baby milk straight from the tap. I didn’t say, “No, I don’t pump because I would rather feed from my breasts and avoid the hassles of pumps and bottles.”  I rationalized my method of feeding my daughter because I became afraid. I felt sorry for making the woman uncomfortable.

Let me make it clear that though I think her question to be out of place and rude, my greatest source of irritation is that I was not able to answer her the way I should have. I could not confidently declare my position, thereby possibly creating an atmosphere for real discussion, or at the very least letter her know that I AM confident in my decision. She is not at fault for my reaction.

However, in the moment she asked her question I became ashamed of something of which I am very proud. I wasn’t ashamed to breastfeed, but I was ashamed to breastfeed in her presence. As though her opinion of the situation was the validation I needed to take care of my daughter. 

I can only imagine the thoughts she had running through her head throughout the rest of our meeting, and unfortunately, I can’t help but imagine the worst. I imagine her talking to her coworkers after I left, telling them that I was just “whipping it out” right there in front of her, and don’t I have any decency?!

Mother Shaming is powerful. It is toxic. It can eat away at the sometimes shaky foundation upon which we stand. In the case of public breastfeeding, it makes something beautiful, natural, and healthy appear to be shameful, ugly, and undesirable. Who would want to choose to breastfeed when society tell them that they have to stay home for the next year or so, because it would be so unsightly to feed your baby in public? Or they know that by feeding their baby in public, they are exposing themselves to potential ridicule?


The peanut gallery is constantly hollering to the masses about the benefits of breastfeeding. So many who scream “Breast is best!” can mutter, with the same breath, “Nobody wants to see that.” 

To a breastfeeding mother, that message comes across as, “You are amazing! You are disgusting!”. Mixed signals, anyone?!

Some mothers lack proper support from either their spouse, their family, their doctors, their friends, and/or coworkers. For these mothers especially, I feel that it is essential that the culture of Mother Shaming be done away with. In my personal experience, I am happy to say that I have a great support system, notwithstanding my meeting the occasional negative reaction. Even so, the confidence to feed my baby in public was something I had to work for. I had to really understand what I was doing, and why it was okay. I cannot imagine doing the same with less support, and oftentimes lacking confidence plays a huge role in a mother deciding to not breastfeed. 

Doubt. 

Doubt that she has the same right to feed her baby when, where, and how she chooses as any other mother. 

Doubt that she is doing the right thing. (Welcome to motherhood, right?)

Doubt that she can confidently withstand any negative reaction. 

Doubt can change her mind.

No mother-- nursing, pumping, or formula-feeding--should EVER have to justify her decision to ANYONE, and we should never have to feel sorry for our choice.

Every situation is different. Every baby. Every birth. Every day. Mothers everywhere do the best they can, and the best they know how. I am grateful for public and private campaigns to teach the benefits of breastfeeding. I am grateful that we have formula available for when it is needed. I am grateful that even when I don’t think it is the needed, formula still does the job and babies are fed, healthy, growing, and loved. I am most grateful that it isn’t my responsibility to raise and care for other babies. 

That’s what their mothers are for.

Sincerely, Me