Regarding "Mother Shaming"

To Whom it Does Not Concern,

There is a widespread view in our society that breastfeeding in public is something that should not be done. There are varying degrees to which people buy into this garbage, but the reality remains that there will always be someone who feels uncomfortable in the same room as a breastfeeding mother. To this I say, “My heart bleeds for you. Let me get you a tissue.”

Today I was in a place of business, sitting directly across the desk from a woman who was helping me. My 8 month old daughter was fussy, and becoming increasingly so by the second. I knew she was tired and hungry, and I did all in my power to soothe her. I made faces and funny noises. I dangled toys in her face. I clapped. I rocked her carseat on the floor. Finally, I knew it was time to bite the bullet and take her out of her carseat. She needed to eat.

Allow me a moment to describe how hot it is. Remember those mentions in The Bible of hellfire and brimstone? Conditions around here more or less align with those descriptions.

More often than not, it is too hot to feed my baby with a cover, so I rarely do so. In the event that I do not use a cover, you better believe that I’m still as decent as a girl in church. Should any skin show, the sliver of visible flesh is hardly worth mentioning. I show more bosom skin just holding my baby when she is climbing me and using the top of my shirt as a handhold.

In any case, an office with another woman, also a mother, seemed like a safe place for me to quickly, and modestly, feed my baby while she did what she needed to do.

She looked up from her computer. “You don’t pump before you go out?”

I looked up from my baby’s beautiful face. “I’m sorry, what?”

“You don’t pump before you go out so you can feed her?”

“Oh, no. I’m a terrible pumper, and it just isn’t worth it.”

End of discussion.

Unfortunately, it isn’t the end of the story.

In the moment she asked what she may have thought was a well-meaning and curious question, she slammed her opinion square against my confidence. She made her opinion matter to me, when before, I didn’t care. I was simply feeding my baby. I began blushing. I fumbled my answer and gave her an EXCUSE, as though I agreed with her, that pumping would be preferable to me. It's none of her business whether or not I give my baby milk straight from the tap. I didn’t say, “No, I don’t pump because I would rather feed from my breasts and avoid the hassles of pumps and bottles.”  I rationalized my method of feeding my daughter because I became afraid. I felt sorry for making the woman uncomfortable.

Let me make it clear that though I think her question to be out of place and rude, my greatest source of irritation is that I was not able to answer her the way I should have. I could not confidently declare my position, thereby possibly creating an atmosphere for real discussion, or at the very least letter her know that I AM confident in my decision. She is not at fault for my reaction.

However, in the moment she asked her question I became ashamed of something of which I am very proud. I wasn’t ashamed to breastfeed, but I was ashamed to breastfeed in her presence. As though her opinion of the situation was the validation I needed to take care of my daughter. 

I can only imagine the thoughts she had running through her head throughout the rest of our meeting, and unfortunately, I can’t help but imagine the worst. I imagine her talking to her coworkers after I left, telling them that I was just “whipping it out” right there in front of her, and don’t I have any decency?!

Mother Shaming is powerful. It is toxic. It can eat away at the sometimes shaky foundation upon which we stand. In the case of public breastfeeding, it makes something beautiful, natural, and healthy appear to be shameful, ugly, and undesirable. Who would want to choose to breastfeed when society tell them that they have to stay home for the next year or so, because it would be so unsightly to feed your baby in public? Or they know that by feeding their baby in public, they are exposing themselves to potential ridicule?


The peanut gallery is constantly hollering to the masses about the benefits of breastfeeding. So many who scream “Breast is best!” can mutter, with the same breath, “Nobody wants to see that.” 

To a breastfeeding mother, that message comes across as, “You are amazing! You are disgusting!”. Mixed signals, anyone?!

Some mothers lack proper support from either their spouse, their family, their doctors, their friends, and/or coworkers. For these mothers especially, I feel that it is essential that the culture of Mother Shaming be done away with. In my personal experience, I am happy to say that I have a great support system, notwithstanding my meeting the occasional negative reaction. Even so, the confidence to feed my baby in public was something I had to work for. I had to really understand what I was doing, and why it was okay. I cannot imagine doing the same with less support, and oftentimes lacking confidence plays a huge role in a mother deciding to not breastfeed. 

Doubt. 

Doubt that she has the same right to feed her baby when, where, and how she chooses as any other mother. 

Doubt that she is doing the right thing. (Welcome to motherhood, right?)

Doubt that she can confidently withstand any negative reaction. 

Doubt can change her mind.

No mother-- nursing, pumping, or formula-feeding--should EVER have to justify her decision to ANYONE, and we should never have to feel sorry for our choice.

Every situation is different. Every baby. Every birth. Every day. Mothers everywhere do the best they can, and the best they know how. I am grateful for public and private campaigns to teach the benefits of breastfeeding. I am grateful that we have formula available for when it is needed. I am grateful that even when I don’t think it is the needed, formula still does the job and babies are fed, healthy, growing, and loved. I am most grateful that it isn’t my responsibility to raise and care for other babies. 

That’s what their mothers are for.

Sincerely, Me

Milk meme

My sister "memed" this for me, and it makes me giggle a lot. Emma faces are the best.

Sorry for the lack of posts

It's been a while since I've posted. Boo on that! Things have been super busy around here. Wonder Baby is growing and changing at a rate that catches me completely off guard! She is now mobile (army scoot, anyone?) and comprehends so much more of what goes on around her, and the discovery in her eyes in magical. It also means she smiles and laughs a lot more! She's so cool.

On the flip side, the strict bedtime routine I instituted and enforced for three weeks only worked for two weeks. And what a glorious two weeks that was. After a week of straight failure I have given up...back to the drawing board. Her sleeping habits change all the time, and she is waking up at least once a night most of the week--something she hasn't done consistently since she was less than two months old. Needless to say (but I am going to say it anyway), I am one tired momma!

Some recent snapshots of the little princess:

Bedtime Super Powers

I just want to take a moment and praise bedtimes.

I detested bedtimes growing up, and perhaps I still do. But only for myself.

For kids? BRING IT.

Emma has had a loosely structured bedtime since she started sleeping through the night. It has become necessary to establish a strict bedtime, and the results have been soooooooooo amazing. I love having the evenings to spend with Darren.

Tonight I babysat a family for the second time ever, and for the second time, I was able to witness the fruits of that effort. These kids have a strict bedtime, and even though they still try to push the limits (albeit not as hard with me as I'm sure they do with their mother), they go to bed more or less when they are supposed to. Emma also slept, just like she is supposed to.

Even though I can't take credit for these obedient kiddos, I feel like I have super powers because they were ALL in bed by 8 o'clock.

It is my sincerest wish that this kind of evening order will be something that I can establish and maintain for my children the entire time they are growing up (within reason). It is so darn peaceful. I love it.

Enlightening article about the feeding habits of newborns

I love to talk about breastfeeding.

I did not know before I gave birth that I would become such a passionate advocate for breastfeeding education and knowledge, but WOW....have I ever...

I am a member of a local peer support group with a Facebook page. It is a private forum in which mothers can ask questions, share information, share knowledge, share support, vent their frustrations, etc.  The group is "run" by a board of breastfeeding counselors with a wide variety of experience, qualification, and know-how. It is through this particular group that I have been exposed to situations and questions about breastfeeding that I couldn't have dreamed up if I tried! THERE ARE INNUMERABLE POSSIBILITIES...good and bad.

A common concern I have read posted time and time and time and time again is about newborn feeding behavior. Are they getting enough? Am I even doing this right? Why does this baby want to eat all the time?

Today, somebody shared a link to a blog post that I loved. It is written from the perspective of the newborn, and addresses the above-mentioned concerns, among many others. It dispels several myths about breastfeeding that unfortunately circulate around society, perpetuating the distribution of available misinformation.

I love it because it educates, and does so in a clever and comforting way. Moms who choose to breastfeed ought to find it useful!

Read the article here: Baby Explains- Normal Newborn Behavior

The Anti-bedtime and Momly Tip #2

I am fortunate enough to be able to spend my days at home with our little munchkin.  Darren brings home the proverbial bacon (though I am usually the one who brings home the real bacon...), so I get to be there for every. single. second. of Emma's life. Don't get me wrong, now. Most of the time, I am more than pleased--nay--I NEED to participate in even the tiniest activities. She is my world, and I don't want to miss a thing...um, most things.

Some days (take today, for example), she experiences one or more aspect of infant growing pains, and despite my best guesses, and I cannot say for certain whether or not her gums are bothering her, her muscles are bothering her, she's hungry due to a growth spurt, or if she is just being cantankerous. Regardless of the root of the issue, the manifestations are the same: lots of eating, lots of whining, and very little sleeping!

Do I sound frazzled? Maybe I am.  It is rough to handle all that from before sunrise to 11 at night. We have had a loooong day.

Thankfully, Emma handles even the most frustrating problems, like teething, fairly well. She could scream and cry for hours, but she is thankfully just really clingy and whiny.  Tylenol doesn't hurt, either.

I generally get her to sleep by about 8 or 8:30 on a typical evening, but some evenings I can juuust tell that that she isn't going to cooperate.

Momly Mantra: Mind over matter!

If I can recognize early enough in the evening that she is going to be awake forever, despite my best efforts, I resign myself to my lot as quickly as possible, and trick myself into enjoying it by planning what shows she and I are going to watch irresponsibly late into the night. I have to mentally check myself out of our routines and be okay with it.  It usually means tucking Daddy into our bed so he can get some sleep and then setting up camp on the couch with the baby, Netflix, and a bowl of ice cream (or something else bad for me). Since I typically don't have anything pressing to tighten up my morning routine for the following day, I remind myself that I can afford to stay up late.

Seriously, how did mother's survive before Netflix/TV/internet? I would be a nutcase if I didn't have a way to occupy myself during nursing sessions.  And no, reading doesn't cut it.

Anyway, Momly Tip #2 is this: Try to make yourself try enjoy the sucker punch. I feel like nothing makes a stressful day worse than freaking out about her missing her bedtime (though I have done that a few times... "Go to sleep already, child! I need a break!"

So I attempt to simply give in.

Have I always been super thrilled about the late night/middle of the night times with my daughter? HECK NO. In fact, ever since she began sleeping through the night, I tend to resent her whenever she deviates from the schedule she so kindly allowed me to become spoiled with. But I can say this: I don't feel aggravation whenever I remember those hours, those occasions when it was just her, me, the TV, and the moon outside. I feel love and feelings of pure bliss.

That's what helps me survive the late nights: the memories of every late night previous.  I can't exchange that for anything.

Full Coverage Burp Cloth

Sometimes my neck hurts in a way that almost feels as though I am wearing Emma around it like a necklace.  Hazards of the job, I suppose.

(Anyone up for providing the funds for yours truly to purchase herself a massage? Anyone?? Sigh...)

Anyway, have you heard of Bambino Burpers? I discovered them at a baby/family expo recently, and they look pretty dang awesome.  I haven't used one, but I am convinced that I need a couple of them for my next kiddo.

Full coverage. Genius.

At least nobody barfed on me

My Sunday morning was so pleasant.  I woke up on time, Emma was a jewel, and Darren looked super sexy in his suit, per the usual, as we scrambled out the door to make it on time (um...we weren't on time. but we tried!).

Then we got to church.  And my shoe broke.

I was wearing these really worn-out old platforms that I love quite a lot, but the sole of the righty broke away from the platform part.  Darren offered to adjust lefty to match, so I went on to the bathroom to stash the carseat, all the while thinking to myself, "Seriously? We just got here.  I have three more hours to wear these broken shoes...".

I was feeling pretty sorry for myself. But, in walked Tessa.

Tessa is my cousin's wife, and she came rushing into the mothers' room portion of the bathroom soaked in vomit and toting a rotten little one year-old cutie in her arms.

I stopped feeling sorry for myself.

I put Emma on the floor with a rag toy to chew on and helped to clean up little Ava.  Tessa was considering driving home (a 40 minute drive) to change clothes and bathe her little one, and then come back.  I offered to give her my keys and send her to my apartment (5 minutes away) for a change of clothes instead.  I was feeling pretty good for having such a helpful suggestion, and proceeded into the chapel, where I found her poor husband still wiping barf up from the carpet during the opening song.  I sat for about 2 minutes when it occurred to me that I could actually be helpful and go with Tessa to my apartment.

I can't lie, I felt pretty dumb for having that realization so late.

I handed Emma to Darren, quickly explained where I was going, and ran back out.

Fast forward to the end of the story: Tessa was rocking one of my maxi dresses (seriously, I never look that cute in it!), Ava (freshly bathed) was wearing an oversized 2T that has waiting in a box for Emma to grow, there was a tightly closed Walmart bag of vomit covered clothing in the verrrrrrry back of the car, and I had an opportunity to change shoes!

(side note: I didn't change shoes.  When I told Darren I was going home with Tess, he looked really sad and said, "Mannnnn, I was so proud of that one!", while pointing to my left foot.  I told him I would pretend that I forgot to change them ;) )

Moral of the story? Your day is never as bad as you think it is, especially if you haven't been barfed on!

Other moral of the story? If you have a feeling or prompting, listen to it! Leaving Emma with Darren would never have worked if I hadn't brought a sippy cup with milk in it.  She would have been screaming bloody murder way before I returned.  All last evening I felt like I needed to take milk to church, and this morning I still felt prompted to get out of bed and pump before Emma woke up so that we could take the right amount.  I'm very glad I listened!

Momly Tip #1

Sometimes all you need is a pair of blue jeans and a bit of mascara.  Even if you have no plans to be seen in public, getting out of your jammies will make a world of difference in how you feel and behave during the day.  Granted, we all need our slouch days, so by no means am I one to judge! I try to allow myself no more than one a week.  But let's be honest...some weeks I take more than that ;)


[Momly Tips are tidbits of wisdom that were either told to me or discovered by me that have actually helped with personal improvement  They are not meant to be absolutes, but good thoughts that perhaps might be helpful!]

Feeling Motherly

In honor of National Breastfeeding Month, I want to talk a little bit about why I choose to breastfeed my infant. Successful breastfeeding requires constant focus on the "why", even if it changes on a daily basis (mine has changed a few times...). Sometimes it feels as though quitting could be easier, but when I remember why I am doing this, it somehow seems doable--even if it isn't easy.

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I am the product of a very long line of mothers.  Each generation produced, loved, and nourished their children with all the zeal anyone could expect a mother to possess.  Eventually, I was born, and it is now my turn to do the same for my child.  

I honestly cannot say that all of the women in that lineage chose to breastfeed since they were just as subject to the fad and scrutiny of their days as I am now to mine.  However, I can say with certainty that whatever their biases were, and whatever their reasons could have been, they would be proud of what has come of it.  

My immediate family alone includes a fabulous roster of breastfeeders who, without my knowledge (and probably theirs), created an atmosphere in which breastfeeding is acceptable, natural, and preferred.  My mom, who gave her best to all eleven of her children, is my primary role model.  It was not easy for her as her life was busy, like most mothers.  Her first five children were born within five years, including a set of twins.  I cannot fathom the attention required to tend to her brood while still providing on demand feeding to the nurslings.  She even wet nursed during that time for a hospitalized friend.  Mom is an angel.  I recall watching her feed my baby sister nearly nineteen years ago, often through the slits of her homemade nighties.  I realize now how difficult, and special, that must have been for her.  She was in her forties after all, yet she knew the baby was her last.  Again, I cannot fathom the emotions she must have been feeling after almost eighteen years of nursing babies.  How do you watch that slip away? How do you truly cherish every moment? How difficult it must be to acknowledge the last.

Then there are my amazing sisters.  I have been blessed with three older sisters, one younger sister, and two beautiful sisters-in-law.  The mothers are inspiring examples.  Each has a different life--a different husband, different experiences, different dreams, different schedules, and different children; yet each has devoted specific time to their little ones.  The investments they made, and continue to make, to feed their babies in this way has impressed upon me the value of such time.

My gorgeous daughter was born six months ago.  I was thrilled to experience breastfeeding.  It seemed so “motherly”, and given that I was feeling inadequate to the task of being a mother, I figured it was a going to be a free ride to feeling motherly.  In my eyes, if that did not make me feel like a mother, nothing else would.

Wonder Baby, as I sometimes refer to her, was a champ.  She latched on right away and nursed as though she was being graded on it. The grade she would have received would have been an A+.  I provided her with plenty of breast time, and she reaped the benefits.  My only real issue was that breastfeeding was not producing the motherly bond I had hoped for, and I was afraid that would never change.  With the exception of the occasional oxytocin-induced euphoria, I mostly just felt like a dairy cow.

With the passing of the months our bond has strengthened.  I still do not love breastfeeding, but I love nourishing my daughter, and for us, that nourishment goes beyond food.  She is nourished with pure adoration, love, awe, silliness, and security at my breasts.  She knows that when she is latched on to her mother she can relax and let her little baby worries slip away.  

This is why I breastfeed.  I do not do it to trumpet my “superior" mothering decisions to the world.  I do not do it because I cannot afford the price of formula.  I do not do it to spite those who choose not to.  I choose to breastfeed because, in the case of that sweet baby girl and myself, it is the right decision. I can confidently declare that the hallmark of my feeling motherly is nourishing my baby the way I know she needs to be nourished. One day I will show her my love by dedicating time to such things as princess tea parties, girls’ nights, or dress-up.  But today, I nourish her from my breast.

Baby Luv

I would like to just take a moment to say, thank goodness for diapers!  Whether they be cloth or 'sposie, those suckers do their job.  I can't imagine how people handled baby butt messes during Earth's more primitive days without the magnificent technology that has produced modern day diapers ;)

Specifically, Wonder Baby loves her Luvs.  And by that I mean that I love her Luvs.  Out of all the diaper brands we received at her baby shower, none made me smile but these.  The others just seemed to fit goofy or smell weird--don't get me started on the number of times her, ahem, deposits, made grand exits.

All the same, we used every single one of them, regardless of the brand... if she outgrew a size I donated the remainder to friends.  Ain't nobody got money like that to waste.

Ahh, those blessed Size 3s. I feel like they will fit her forever.

Dear Emily of the Future,

If you are reading this then I suppose congratulations are in order. Congratulations! You are only moments/days/weeks away from delivering your second baby!

Don’t take this the wrong way, but you weren’t exactly prepared adequately for the last birth.  Precious Emma came into a well-intentioned effort at organizational preparedness, but you really did not know any better. There was only so much people could tell you, but the rest you had to learn from experience.  Now that you have had that experience, you know.  The sad part is that your memory is awful, but no worries.  I am here to remind you about all the things you promised yourself you would do “the next time around”.  

********************************************

LABOR AND DELIVERY

Going to the hospital

I don’t care how many false alarms you have.  I don’t care if you only go once and just know that it is time.  EAT.  For goodness’ sake, you must have a meal.  Do not go into the hospital on an empty stomach.  You won’t be feeling good. Darren will be making stupid jokes. You are probably going to be taking Emma to Mom’s or Sarah’s, but take a few minutes to eat something.  You need the energy, and you don’t need the nightmare of enduring labor under the influence of starvation.  Chances of you needing to undergo major anesthesia are pretty low, and very likely hours away. Your food will be digested enough by that point.  If you should vomit during labor, so be it.  At least you will have the pleasure of vomiting up food instead of pure stomach juices (unlike last time).  I have instructed Darren to make you eat.  He says it will be impossible to convince you, but he should remind you how hungry you were with Emma.  Eat something before you walk through the doors of that hospital.

One more thing: take that last belly shot picture. You will wish you had one.

Mode of delivery

I assume that you still want to attempt natural childbirth with no interventions.  Good for you! I believe it is important that we trust our bodies to accomplish the things we task it with; delivering  a baby, for example. Last time you suffered with back labor, and you fought a great fight.  Darren, Amanda, and your nurse did everything in their power to ensure you were as comfortable as possible and to encourage you in avoiding the epidural.  Your decision to get an epidural was wise under the circumstances.  Hopefully this time around you do not have back labor and you are better able to handle your contractions when they get very bad.  I think you will be fine since you were able to hold out for so long last time, but just in case you change your mind, this is what I want you to do:

Skip the IV drugs.  You will probably be hooked up to an IV already, but if you decide you need any kind of drug intervention, go straight to the epidural.  The IV drip didn’t work long enough last time, and it made you really sleepy and delirious, which made it hard to focus and engage in what was happening.  Your mind became most clear when the contractions hit, and that is just a cruddy way to feel.  I know how you are, and if you start accepting drugs you will eventually want the epidural anyway, so skip the magic carpet ride, and go straight to the sinful relaxation that the epidural provides.  You will be much happier if you do, and you will be able to remember more.

Also, even though it sounds disgusting, last time you kind of wished you had taken up their offer to have a mirror to look at.  Go ahead and give that a try this time.  If it is too horrifying, they can always just take it away.

Labor positions

You were not comfortable on your back last time, but you also weren't super jazzed at the idea of walking or moving at all.  Try.  I want you to make at least one lap around the labor floor when you are in the early stages of trying to progress through labor.  This will hopefully help you progress and help the time pass quicker.  After your water breaks/they break your water, you won’t have that option anymore.

You discovered as you prepared to receive your epidural that you were able to manage your contractions better when you were sitting on the side of the bed hunched over the pillow.  You groaned a deep, guttural, scary groan (involuntarily) that seemed to help you through the pain.  TRY THIS POSITION NEXT TIME.  Request that they only monitor you and the infant intermittently (ex. 15 minutes on, 30 minutes off) so that you can do this.  You will need help into this position, and you will need Darren standing in front of you for support.  But try to remember how much easier you managed the pain.  Save the position for when you are really hurting.  (haha yeah, I know...how do you differentiate between “really hurting” and “really hurting”?  you just do.)

Pictures of the birth/immediately following the birth

Take pictures of any and everything.  Your female support is there to do just that.  Make sure you get a picture of the baby with the delivery doctor and nurse.  You forgot to get a picture of Emma with her nurse and weren’t able to get one until she was 6 months old.  That is just ridiculous.  You want that picture for the memory books, so make sure you get it in the hospital.

Taking a million pictures is how you end up with gems like this. 

POST-PARTUM (warning: this part is gross)

Peeing

The nurses were way too interested in making you pee within the first 6 or so hours after Emma was born.  Try to beat them to the punch and drink tons of water ASAP after the kid is born.  Your body will likely not want to relax enough to pee because of the trauma it will experience, but it will be okay.  Drink, drink, drink, drink, drink.  Showing initiative ought to make them less pushy.  It better.

Panties

You need to pack real, honest to goodness, bikini style granny panties in your hospital bag.  A whole pack.  The monster pads the hospital provides for you, though icky beyond belief, are perfectly sufficient to absorb the waterfall (bloodfall?) coming out of your lady parts, but those mesh panties.........let’s just say they make the whole experience a lot more uncomfortable for you.  You desire the security that a snug-fitting pair of big girl undies provide.  Oh, and just in case you forget, you needed size 7 Hanes after Emma was born.  None of that size 5 garbage.

If you want to be on the safe side, feel free to bring a size up just in case you want to try to squeeze two of those monster pads in there.  

Fist-bump, Baby

Stool softners

Your discharge nurse will suggest that you take stool softeners for a week or so after giving birth. Do not dismiss this advice flippantly.  Remember the terror you felt knowing you needed to take a dump but just knowing that even entertaining the thought would shred the stitches that so delicately held your tender lady skin in place? The softer the stool, the less scary the sensation.  You learned that the hard way last time.  

Clothing

Waste not your money.  All you really want are yoga pants.  You tried jammies last time, but they became too hot and made you feel too slobby.  You tried sport bras, but they were impracticle and also made you feel slobby.  You want yoga pants/capris and/or loose-fitting leggings.  You also want a couple of nursing bras and tanks (you should still have a few from Emma) with loose fitting t-shirts.  You don’t need nursing pads yet, though it might not hurt to pack a few (6 or so) just to be on the safe side.  Chances are your milk won’t come in until you are home already.  Be sure you have at least half a million nursing pads waiting for you there.

Hygiene/appearance

You will not want to shower very soon after having the baby.  What I mean is, you WILL want to shower, but that will might not be enough to get you in there.  Here is my advice: secure the services of your labor and delivery female support for the PP shower.  Or, request someone else to be there as your PP female support.  Either way, you need someone’s help.  Half of your hesitation is knowing that you will need to brush your hair and such afterwards.  You need your girlfriend there to brush and braid/dry/whatever your hair for you, as well as make sure you don’t have any make-up smeared all over your face.  It wouldn’t hurt if they were willing to put some make-up on you as well and tell you that you are beautiful, even though it will kind of be a bold-faced lie.  The truth is that between your exhaustion, elation, and overall head-spinning, there just aren’t enough brain cells left to command the faculties that want so desperately to help you feel as human as possible.  That is something you need someone else to provide for you.

Also bring some perfume to spritz the back of your neck.  Do not underestimate the transformative empowerment that accompanies the scent of perfume on your skin.

Activities to pass the boredom

Believe it or not, you would have been happy to have had a board (bored...teehee) game to play as you and Darren flitted away the hours in that cramped PP room.  You’d have been okay with face cards, Phase 10, or Scrabble, MadGab or chess.  Nothing too complicated, but enough to hold your interest...at least for a few minutes at a time.

Also, don’t stay in your room the whole time.  Take a trip to see the baby in the nursery.  Darren can help you if you are feeling weak, but honestly, you need this.  Cabin fever doesn’t take long to set in, and you were really sad you missed that opportunity to see Emma through the nursery window just because you felt “too gross” to leave the room.

Bring an extension cord so that you can more feasibly play on your phone.  That drove you bananas last time.  Plus, you couldn’t really reach to plug it in to charge, so you were constantly ordering Darren around.  We both know how much he loves that.

Feel free to adore that baby as much as you can

Food for Darren

I know that last time you told Darren it was entirely up to him to provide his own meals since you had enough to worry about, but, as we both know.......he didn’t.  Pack the poor boy some sandwiches in a cooler.  Or ask Mom if she will be responsible for the Husband Care Package of sandwiches and drinks.  Chances are that she will be more than happy to provide that service, and you won’t feel half so guilty chomping away at the surprisingly delicious (eh...mostly) meals that the hospital provides for you.  And since this time around you’ve already got yourself a little girl, Darren’s hands are going to be pretty full anyway.  It won’t hurt to prepare ahead and have his food and drink taken care of.

Pack a case of water and keep it in the trunk.  You will want Darren to bring it up to the room at some point so you guys can down as much water as possible.

Food for you

Yes, the hospital will provide just about everything you need.  But you will get snacky.  Pack light stuff, like gummy snacks, fruit, and chicken salad (you love chicken salad with grapes in it!).  Try not to indulge in potato chips (if you can help yourself).  Definitely don’t eat pizza within 24 hours of delivery.  Your tummy WILL NOT appreciate it.   In fact, right up there with asking Mom to provide Darren’s cooler of sandwiches, see if you can convince her to include a “first meal” of whatever you request (request in advance; don’t be rude and wait until the last second).  That way you guys aren’t scrambling to find sustenance and end up with a huge pizza that makes you feel gross.

Care for Emma

I can’t really help you out much there since I don’t know how old she is or what things she really likes or where you live or who she will happily (more or less) stay with in your absence.  You got this one.

Care for the new wee one

Take as many pictures and videos as you possibly can or want.  Try to spend more time skin to skin and snuggle him/her under your shirts.  Nurse as much as possible and drink plenty of water.  Remember that breastfeeding can be a struggle at first and his/her latch will most likely not be perfect right away.  Take time, relax, and trust your body.  It knows how to nourish your baby.

AFTER THE HOSPITAL

Going home

I cannot emphasize enough how much you need to dress for the occasion.  I don’t care if it just means you are wearing a real bra and a pair of pants that is only one color, but please, please, please, please, pleeeeeease, do not wheel out of there in jammie pants and an oversized hoodie.  The picture you have with Emma will never see the light of day because it is that nasty.  I insist that you wear make-up, have your hair fixed somehow, and dress halfway decent.  Wear a maxi dress if that is what it takes to create the illusion that you have it together.   But please be dressed well enough for the traditional sidewalk picture.  It will help you feel like you have it all together.

Also, be considerate of Darren.  Taking Emma home made him feel pretty nervous.  Remind him that he is an awesome daddy and has nothing to worry about.

Help at home

Last time you weren’t sure how Mom could help.  I am writing this to tell you that her presence would have been a great thing to have.  Being alone so soon after bringing baby home is scary and depressing.  Make sure Mom is there, or if she can’t be there all the time (she does have a life, you know), do what it takes to make sure sisters or friends you trust can be there to help straighten up the house, tend to Emma, and just be there to talk and listen as you tell your story over and over again.  You needed that last time. Make sure it is someone who is okay with seeing you more or less exposed.  Breastfeeding baby in beginning means lots of nudy time. Don't forget that you will survive.

Your survival moment with Emma--you were able to put jelly on your breakfast bagel

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Well, there you go.  I have asked Darren to help you remember to read and abide by these words with this next child.  I’m sure there are still plenty of kinks to iron out, but it is a learning process.  Even though you have had a baby before, they are all different, and circumstances are not always the same.  You already have a child, which adds a whole other dynamic to this process with which you are unfamiliar.  Just try to have fun, and don’t strangle Darren just because he thinks moronic jokes will help to relax you and lighten the mood.  I will remind him between then and now about how that is most certainly not the case.

Love forever, Emily of the Past